Author Gary Chapman wrote a book called, “The Five Love Languages”, in which he proposes that there are five main categories of how we feel loved: Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Physical Touch, and Gifts.  Each of us has one or two of those as primary ways that make us feel loved, such that if those one or two ways went away, we might feel unloved or unloveable. These languages are the same for children, teens, and adults, though they may present in different ways and/or respond well to different ideas.  It can be helpful to know our own and our loved ones’ primary love languages, , though ‘speaking’ to our loved ones in all five love languages is generally important.  Disclaimer that the book’s author, Gary Chapman, does write from a Christian point of view, but the overall concept seems helpful, grounded in psychology, and well-regarded. 

It is not uncommon that we speak a different primary love language than our spouse or our child.  Just like if someone we cared about had English as a second language, we might do well to learn some phrases in their primary language, the same concept can apply to love languages:  It can help to try to speak in the love language of your partner or child, while also interpreting their actions (language) and translating it into your own.  An example would be if your spouse’s primary love language is acts of service but that is not your primary love language, it may help to interpret that your spouse is trying to show you love when they do a task around the house.   

Do you want to find out your love language?  There are several online quizzes you can take, one of which is https://www.my-love-language.com/   Other ways to find out your primary love language is to observe yourself as to which of these you seem to do naturally to show love to others, as well as observe what you’re most receptive to from loved ones in your life.  Consider asking your significant other to take the quiz and share the results with you.

Sometimes it can be tricky when there’s a mismatch of primary love languages, because it may not come naturally to you and it might not feel all that comfortable.  That’s why today I’m sharing some concrete ideas in each love language category of how to ‘speak’ your person’s love language.  Another helpful resource for speaking your peoples’ love languages is the smartphone app called Love Nudge that can send you ideas and reminders.  https://5lovelanguages.com/resources/app

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IDEAS FOR ‘SPEAKING’ YOUR CHILD’S LOVE LANGUAGE:

Quality Time

• Put your phone/ screens away for set times together
• Make time for 1:1, outside of activities with the whole family
• If your child is younger, do 1:1 playtime every day for 15 minutes
• Engage in something that they would like to do (eg, boardgame, videogame)
• Invite them to spend time with you when you’re doing another task (eg, cooking dinner)
• Go to the gym together or on a walk together
• Be present-moment centered when in the car together
• Do a project together (eg, crafts, rearranging their bedroom)

Words of Affirmation

• Send them an encouraging text
• Let them catch you saying good things about them to others
• Write them Post-It notes with short affirmations on them
• Look for, and then praise, their efforts at things re school or around the house
• Tell them you’re proud of them and/or that you love them
• Call them a fun [nice] nickname

Acts of Service

• Help them do a chore they’re assigned to (or take it over this once)
• Ask them what you can do to help them
• Help them with homework
• Help them with things that are stressful to them
• If they drive, clean the car or fill it with gas
• If they drive, ‘warm up’ the car a few minutes before they’re set to leave for school

Physical Touch – (please be sure to be age appropriate/ modify these for age of your child; be mindful also if your child is opposite sex of you)

• Give hugs
• Give high fives or fistbumps
• Ask if they’d like you to scratch their back or rub their feet
• If your child is young enough, give kisses and snuggles, hold hands
• Have them sit close to you while doing something together (eg, watching a show)
• Take them to get a pedicure or manicure
• Brush their hair
• Have sensory items they may like, such as fuzzy blankets or a weighted blanket

Gifts (them Receiving Gifts)

• Bring them home a small treat the next time you’re out grocery shopping
• Buy yourself a stack of notecards and write them special notes on the regular
• Be sure to commemorate their birthday with a thoughtful present
• Think of and give anything that can be a physical reminder that you care about them
• Buy a few small items they’ll like, and give those at random times
• Have a special treat or dessert around the house for after dinner

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IDEAS FOR ‘SPEAKING’ YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER’S LOVE LANGUAGE:

Quality Time

• Date nights
• Weekend getaways
• Put your phone/ screens away for set times together
• Invite them to spend time with you when you’re doing another task (eg, cooking dinner)
• Go to the gym together or on a walk together
• Have meaningful conversations (for conversation starter ideas, try {The And} Game https://www.amazon.com/Couples-Meaningful-Conversation-Connection-Relationships/dp/B0BKQYYQCS?th=1  

Words of Affirmation

• Compliment them regularly – on how they look, on something they did, on who they are as a person
• Send them an encouraging text
• Write them Post-It notes with compliments or affirmations on them
• Tell them you love them
• Call them an affectionate nickname

Acts of Service

• Before you leave work, text to ask them if there’s anything they need you to stop for on the way home (eg, we’re out of milk)
• When you are running an errand, ask them if there’s anything they need/ want while you’re at that store

• Take over a chore they usually do
• Cook a meal they like
• Wash the car or fill it up with gas
• ‘Notice and Do’ = look for things around your household that may be causing visual clutter, and take care of those items
• Ask them what you can do to help them 

Physical Touch

• Hugs and kisses
• Offer to rub their back or feet
• Take them to get a pedicure or manicure
• Sit close on the couch/ snuggle on the couch
• Have sensory items they may like, such as fuzzy blankets or a weighted blanket
• Show affection through touch (non-sexual or sexual when consented)

Gifts (them Receiving Gifts)

• Be sure to commemorate their birthday with a thoughtful present
• Bring them home a small treat the next time you’re out (grocery store, bakery, Target, etc)
• Buy yourself a stack of notecards and write them special notes on the regular
• Stock up on a few small items they’ll like, and give those at random times
• Be sure to say a genuine “thank you” when they give you a gift item

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IDEAS FOR SELF-LOVE/ SPEAK YOUR LOVE LANGUAGE TO YOURSELF
YOU are one of the most important relationships you will have throughout your lifetime.  Though it may feel unnatural or dorky at times, speaking your love language to yourself is important because it is one way to stay replenished to be able to give to others and in your important activities of the day.  You will see that there is some overlap in activity suggestions among the two above lists.  I encourage you to go back and read the above lists of suggestions and highlight categories and activity ideas that you yourself would experience as loving.   

*This blog is original content by Sue Goetz, LCSW and not created by AI or chat GBT *