I recently attended the Psychotherapy Networker Symposium (conference) in Washington, DC, and one of the workshops I most enjoyed was with Lynn Lyons on helping clients with anxiety. Her talk was geared towards work with teenagers but the principles seem generalizable for anyone dealing with anxiety. Lynn talked about how we therapists, parents, and teachers may tend to do a lot to accommodate a teen’s anxiety, when what we really need to do is help them learn how to lean into it. Myself, as a psychotherapist [based in Sacramento and El Dorado Hills, CA], I frequently work with both teen and adult clients who are seeking help to understand and manage their anxiety, often using a therapeutic approach called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). ACT is based on the idea that rather than trying to push away uncomfortable emotions like anxiety, we can learn to make space for them while still moving toward what truly matters to us – we don’t have to wait for anxiety to go away first. Life will probably always include some discomfort and difficult emotions, but by committing to act in accordance with what matters most to you, you can live a full life, even in the presence of anxiety. One powerful strategy is facing anxiety head-on rather than avoiding it, which is what we’ll be exploring in today’s blog. I hope it’s helpful as you navigate your own anxiety, or that of a loved one as you parent or partner.
Why Should You Move Toward Anxiety Instead of Away from It?
The instinct to avoid anxiety-provoking situations is common. Anxiety would have us not leave the house, not take chances, not talk to new people, etc. Avoiding these types of situations (or avoiding the thoughts) that make you anxious may provide short-term relief, however may not be the best long-term solution. Here’s why moving toward anxiety—rather than running from it—is crucial for overcoming it.
1. Avoidance Of Anxiety Can Make Anxiety Worse
When we feel anxiety, our instinct is often to avoid the situation or thought that triggers it. This might look like avoiding certain places, people, or even thoughts that make us anxious. In the short term, avoidance provides relief, which can reinforce the behavior. However, over time, avoidance often strengthens anxiety in the long run. Here’s why:
- Increased Sensitivity: Every time we avoid a situation because it causes anxiety, we unintentionally reinforce the idea that the situation is dangerous or intolerable. This can cause our fear response to grow stronger, making it harder to face the situation in the future.
- Escape Becomes a Habit: The more we avoid anxiety-inducing situations, the more we create a pattern of evasion, leading to a life that feels limited by fear. This avoidance can keep us trapped in a cycle where anxiety rules our choices, rather than us making empowered decisions.
- Missed Opportunities for Growth: Avoiding anxiety stops us from learning how to cope with it. We miss the opportunity to grow through challenging situations, which is essential for building resilience and confidence, which then helps us participate in things we would like to do.
2. Building Emotional Resilience Through Facing Anxiety
When you choose to move toward anxiety, rather than retreating from it, you build emotional resilience. Facing anxiety directly can be very uncomfortable, but over time, it helps you develop the tools and confidence to handle anxious moments with more ease. As you continue to face anxiety, you’ll find that it loses some of its power over you, enabling you to handle life’s challenges with greater ease.
3. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) Helps You Embrace Anxiety
In ACT, we don’t aim to eliminate anxiety. Instead, we focus on accepting anxiety and learning how to live with it. ACT encourages individuals to:
- Recognize Anxiety as a Natural Emotion: Anxiety is part of the human experience. By accepting it, you stop fearing it and can instead allow it to exist without letting it control your actions.
- Defuse Anxiety: In ACT, we use cognitive defusion techniques to help you separate yourself from your anxious thoughts. This reduces the power those thoughts have over you.
- Act on Your Values: A major part of ACT is identifying your values—the things that matter most to you—and taking committed actions toward those values, even in the presence of anxiety. Anxiety can often pull us away from what truly matters, leading us to avoid situations, people, or opportunities that are aligned with our values. For example, if one of your core values is connection with others, anxiety may try to keep you from socializing, fearing rejection or embarrassment. But in ACT, we encourage you to take committed action toward your values, even when anxiety is present. By focusing on your values, you can build a life that’s more meaningful, regardless of anxiety/ You don’t have to wait for anxiety to disappear before acting.
4. Living a Life of Purpose, Even with Anxiety
When anxiety takes over, it can feel like your life is dictated by your fears. However, moving toward anxiety allows you to continue living a life aligned with what’s important to you (your core values). Rather than avoiding activities that are important to you, like public speaking, socializing, or career advancement, you can take small, courageous steps toward those goals, even with anxiety present.
Tips for Moving Toward Anxiety
- Gradual Exposure: One of the most effective ways to reduce anxiety is through gradual exposure—a technique where you face your fears step-by-step in a controlled, manageable way. Along with acceptance of the reality of the situation (learning to sit with your anxiety without judgment when you’re feeling anxious), this approach reduces the intensity of your anxious feelings over time. Start small and work your way up. For example, if social situations make you anxious, start by attending smaller gatherings and build up to larger events as you gain confidence.
- Take Action Aligned with Your Values: Identify your values and ask yourself what actions you can take that align with them, even when anxiety is present. Whether it’s building better relationships, advancing in your career, or taking care of your health, taking values-based actions can help you move through anxiety. For example, if a value for you is have meaningful friendships, you can push yourself to do things with friends even when your anxiety is telling you not to.
- Mindfulness: Mindfulness helps you observe your anxiety without judgment. When anxiety arises, notice the physical sensations and thoughts that come with it. Rather than trying to push them away, allow them to be there, knowing they are temporary.
- Cognitive Defusion: Practice seeing anxious thoughts as separate from yourself. Instead of saying, “I am anxious,” say, “I am having the thought that I am anxious.” This can help reduce the power your anxiety has over you.
- Self-Compassion: Be Kind to Yourself: Anxiety often comes with a harsh inner critic that judges you for feeling anxious or struggling with difficult emotions. Instead of criticizing yourself for feeling anxious, try to treat yourself with kindness and understanding, as you would a close friend. When you experience anxiety, try offering yourself a comforting statement: “It’s okay to feel anxious. I’m doing my best, and that’s enough.” This can help soften the negative self-talk and create a more compassionate and balanced relationship with yourself.
Moving toward anxiety rather than away from it is a powerful approach to building resilience, accepting discomfort, and living a more meaningful, values-driven life. Anxiety is a natural part of the human experience, and by changing our relationship with it, we can regain control over our choices and our lives. Anxiety may never fully disappear, but by incorporating the principles of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy into your life, you may be able to manage it more effectively.
WANT MORE?
I love seeing teens and adults in my psychotherapy practice! If you are a California resident and would like to talk about working with me or to having me counsel your teen, please contact me, I’d love to hear from you. I have an office in Sacramento, an office in El Dorado Hills, and I also provide tele-health (video or phone appointments) through a secured platform. In addition to talk therapy, I also am trained in and practicing EMDR for 15 years. Find out more and contact me through my website at www.hopeintherapy.com or call or text my business cell at (916) 764-8360.
SUPPLEMENTAL RESOURCES AND RECOMMENDATIONS:
Youtube: 5 min video of actor Bill Hader talking about his experience with [significant] anxiety https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z6hsP7co3ZA
Book: Be Mighty by Jill Stoddard https://www.newharbinger.com/9781684034413/be-mighty/
Podcast for parents of teens: The Flusterclux, with Lynn Lyons https://www.flusterclux.com/episodes/ , and especially this episode on teen Noah’s progress https://www.flusterclux.com/a-success-story-noahs-journey-of-managing-anxiety-from-age-11-to-24/
Book for parents of teens: Autonomy Supportive Parenting by Emily Edlynn https://www.emilyedlynnphd.com/autonomy-supportive-parenting
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