Who are the difficult people in your life?  Those people with whom you have tended to feel stress and tension when around?  Common examples are: your ex-spouse, an in-law who is more of an out-law, a family member with whom you don’t see eye-to-eye, boss, co-worker, etc.  For many of us, there are events, meetings, and/or activities we find important to attend but that also bring some dread and/or trepidation.  Today’s e-newsletter provides some tips that have helped me personally, and I hope they are helpful to you as well.  (I acknowledge there are some situations where interacting with certain people is not doable or is ill-advised, and today’s writing does not cover those scenarios)
 
 
KEEP IN MIND YOUR PRIORITIES –
Who and What is important in this event/interaction/trip?   Who and What is your priority in this situation?    Try to keep your mind laser focused on your priority, and keep bringing your mind back to that priority when it gets distracted.  When appropriate, make decisions about how you want to handle possible stressors ahead of time, and visualize yourself acting in line with your values in those situations. 
 
 
DON’T EXPECT A MIRACLE –
You have enough history to know how it has been with this person.  Do what you need to do to keep yourself  sane as much as possible.  It’s helpful to use coping skills and boundaries that do not depend on the other person doing anything differently for you.  Most conflicts with people are not fully resolvable, and acceptance of reality can be your friend.  Considering all that, incorporate some of the other strategies covered today.
 
 
DECREASE YOUR OWN STRESS LEVEL –
Taking breaks, increasing self-care, decreasing caffeine and alcohol use, exercising regularly, and minding your sleep hygiene can help you be at your most resilient.  When possible, it can help to plan to have time to relax both before and after the event, so you’re not going in depleted and then you’ll have time to decompress afterwards.  Are there areas where you can disengage/ where you should disengage?  Make space in the anticipatedly stressful event to take short breaks – taking a walk, taking a nap, or even a few minutes to use the restroom to reset.
 
 
MINDFULNESS – 
Stay in the present moment as much as possible.  Consider the truth to noticing, “Am I okay, other than what I’m thinking and believing about this situation?”.  Be here now.  A lot of what makes things stressful is that our mind gives us stories of the past difficult interactions with that person, as well as stories of the future re what they may do or say next, how it will all go wrong, etc.  The mind tends to give us bad news and negative thoughts much of the time.   
 
 
FOCUS ON ANY POSITIVE ASPECT –
When you can, try to generate feelings of gratitude for anything even small you can find (eg, “I love being here for my child, thought it’s also challenging to deal with my ex in these situations”, or, “it is important to me to visit my family even though it is not often a relaxing vacation).  Picturing your difficult person as being either a young child or an elderly person can also be helpful (eg, it’s easier to be more patient when you can visualize the person as a 4 year old whom you wouldn’t fault for doing or saying something impulsively).   
 
 
CONSIDER THE LENGTH OF TIME –
Depending on the length of time you may be in proximity to the difficult person/ people, please consider:

• Declining the invite
• Taking your own mode of transportation so that you have options to leave when you’re ready
• Bringing a support person – eg, spouse, friend, trusted family member
• Interact in small doses – American Buddhist nun Pema Chodron was giving a talk on anger and there was humor in her advice of interacting in very small doses, such as going to visit your parents for 10 minutes.  I can just see it now: “Hi, I came to see you, this has been a lovely 10 minutes, maybe next time we’ll do this for 12 minutes”.  Sometimes your best interactions can be made from interacting in small doses.
• Taking breaks to use the restroom can help you regroup and can also help you shift who you go back to interact with when you rejoin the group.  Plus, no one is going to hassle you if you’re in the restroom for a few minutes.

EXTENDED VISIT TIPS:
Adding to all of the above, if you’ll be at an extended visit with the difficult person/ people, the following may help:

• Consider staying in a hotel, or staying at a different hotel from the stressful person/ people
• Make plans to do things on your own, so that you’re not having to interact with everyone the whole time.  For example, make time to exercise, take a nap, retreat, read a book.
• Pick activities that you might enjoy and that may include less direct interaction (eg, all going to the movies)
• Consider your options of participating in some but not all of the activities that are planned for the time. 
• Consider whether talking to anyone ahead of time about your concerns may be helpful, be that the difficult person or someone else who will be involved in the situation
• If you’re a person in recovery, look up and attend a 12 step meeting in the location you’ll be at, or attend one online.

FINAL LITTLE NUGGETS/ MANTRAS OF ENCOURAGEMENT –

• You don’t have to attend every argument you’re invited to. 
• Don’t get on the roller coaster.  When you’re dealing with someone who tends to have a lot of ups and downs in emotions and behaviors, visualize not getting on the roller coaster with that person. 
• Stay in your own business/ mind your own business.  Author and philosopher Byron Katie says there are three kinds of business:  your own business, other people’s business, and God’s or the Universe’s business.  What other people may be thinking, believing, or doing is their business.  A wish for karma to drop onto your difficult person is the Universe’s business.  Your own business is to manage your own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors as much as possible.  Another way to say that is the 12 step slogan, “keep your own side of the street clean”.
• Question: If someone tries to give you something that’s not yours, Who is left holding it?  Answer: That other person.  Just like if someone handed you a misplaced jacket that’s not yours and you don’t take it, difficult people tend to project and put stuff on us that’s not ours.  Visualize not taking the jacket, thinking, “No thanks, that’s not mine”.